More thoughts on an empty gas tank

Spring comes in fits and starts here in Colorado, if it really comes at all. It's April 30th an I woke up to a gray sky and snow this morning. I don't know why I'm surprised at all. Well, actually, I know why. Easter was beautiful this year. It was a real Spring day. Most years, Easter is cold, colorless, and often snowing. The trees are vibrant with pale pink blossoms, but the weather if fickle and today, it's Winter-ish and moody. This kind of weather makes me want to ponder burnout a little more. Bear with me.

Anyway, since I posted about Running on Empty and burnout, I've thought more about it this mothering season. There's just one piece that I failed to consider well. Even if I am proactive and do all the things I can to relieve the pressure, it's still going to be hard. I don't think in three years of having my twins I actually believed that. I really thought that if I just got on top of everything, if I just made sure there was quiet time for me, and if I just planned and structured my days really well, everything would be awesome. I didn't want to come to the conclusion that I could do all of those things and maybe, even well, and still discover that mothering twins would still be challenging, overwhelming, and hard. I can't believe it has taken me this long to get to this kind of understanding and it stinks. I know. It does sound so futile and doomed (oh, the drama), but I guess there's a little freedom in knowing that no matter what changes I make, I can make it a little easier, but it will still be soooo hard. I suppose I really thought that I could somehow bypass the reality.

 It is what it is. This too shall pass. Those are things my husband always says to me and even though these sentiments irritate me, there's both truth in accepting reality and truth in knowing that it will pass.

Ok, that's it. I'm officially on burnout hiatus. Come on, Spring!

Running on Empty (Again)

It's that time of year again. We're nearly at the finish line for another school year and I'm losing my will to care. What? You don't want to do your homework? Whatever. 

 I started thinking about Jen Hatmaker's hilarious worst-end-of-school-mom-ever post yesterday. I had to go back and read it, because, well, I'm there with her and I needed to laugh. If you haven't read it, it's worth it. It'll cheer you up as you start to lose steam at the end of the school year.

 It's not even the end of April yet and I'm looking ahead and thinking how I just have to get through May. I always hate the thinking that I have to just "get through" something. "Getting through" something isn't exactly good living, is it?

I'm burned out again. I know I write about this a lot, but being mama to five sure isn't easy. Over this school year, I've been implementing new things hoping some new strategy will leave me without constantly feeling like I'm going to lose it. Believe me, I've googled everything relating to stay-at-home-mom burn out and guess what? There's a whole lot of info about what burnout is, but not a lot of realistic ways to combat it. Or, if they're realistic ways to combat burnout, those methods aren't working for me.

I found this list today while googling around for more health information on how to turn this burnout ship around. This list confirmed I'm headed in the wrong direction. Oh, boy.

• Every day is a bad day. (Well, not every day.)
• Caring about your work or home life seems like a total waste of energy. (Yup.)
• You’re exhausted all the time. (Yup.)
• The majority of your day is spent on tasks you find either mind-numbingly dull or overwhelming. (Yup.)
• You feel like nothing you do makes a difference or is appreciated. (Yup.)

 Okay, not every day is a bad day, but every day feels unnecessarily stressful and difficult. Clearly, I need a mind shift. What if I'm approaching this phase in my life all wrong? All year long, I have been trying to come up with a solution that makes being home with my twin boys and five year-old daughter more manageable, more peaceful, more calm. I've not succeeded. I didn't use to feel this overwhelmed with parenting, but I've boiled it down to constant interruption. My interruptions have interruptions. This makes my day feel unstable from start to finish.

All along, I thought that I needed to carve out more quiet time, more me time. I thought that the quiet was the answer. In those small quiet pockets, I could get back to some of the activities that make me, well me. Sometimes, I've felt that I've gotten lost in the constant needs of small children and I have to  remind myself that this is the hardest work. Raising little people isn't for wimps. This is important work, but that doesn't mean that sometimes, it is just plain boring. Somewhere in all those interruptions and malaise, I lost sight of the importance of what I am doing. Just maybe, I'm thinking about this all wrong?

Yesterday, I stumbled onto this post by Amanda Low. In her article, her husband suggests that she take a day to herself. So, she did and guess what? It didn't feel right at all. Go read the post. It's worth it because even before I read her post myself, I was starting to come up with the same conclusion. One day, during this current school year, my mom offered to watch the three littles for me so I could go out and I guess do errands. As headed out, I thought that the last thing I needed to do was more work. So, I went to a movie. At first, I was all giddy with the possibilities of having about four hours to myself. I really wanted to use the time well, but, in the end, there were too many things I wanted to do and only about four hours of free time. I went to a movie in the middle of a day. At first, it sounded all daring and wild like I was getting away with something. A movie in the middle of the day!!! By myself!!? Wow. 

The thing is that little time away didn't really recharge me like I thought it would. Yeah, I didn't have to do all the routine things I normally do, but this didn't feel completely right to me either. I didn't feel guilty or anything like that, but the whole experience just left me wanting more and more time to myself. That isn't such a bad thing, but I realized that daily peace has to come in my daily schedule as well as when I get time to myself. I can't have this sense of peace only when I'm away fro the overwhelming demands of home because that makes me resentful. I know I need to schedule my alone time in my regular daily life. My introverted nature demands it, but this outing made me want more time away rather than figuring out how to get the respite I need within the context of a busy crazy life. In other words, I don't want to feel like I need to run away to get that quiet alone time.

So, here we are again. It's almost the end of the year. It's Spring. It's starting to get lovely outside. I'm starting not to care if Sam gets all of his homework done. I'm feeling the last bits of Winter recede and a new lightness emerging. I don't have the answer, but I think I've stumbled onto something and if I think it through, could it be a game-changer?

Summer Renewal

As I find myself almost in mid-July already, I've realized just how much I've neglected my blog. It's not because I haven't had anything to say, but actually the quite the contrary. I have too much to say, but I have kept silent realizing that I needed a break from just about everything. If there is a theme to any of my sporadic blog posts this year, it's burn out. I intentionally took a break from many of my favorite hobbies because even though I love my hobbies and passions, I started to feel like these things were making me feel like I had homework all. the. time. Unfinished projects all around me made me feel like I had these deadlines hanging over me. Of course, all these deadlines are self-imposed, but nevertheless, I realized that I needed to feel some freedom my own ambition. I'm a person who likes being busy and my self-imposed break from quilting, gardening, and knitting isn't easy. I see that I take much solace in creating things and the break from such activities is weird for me. I don't like doing nothing and I'm not doing nothing, but it's still weird to cease doing things that have somehow come to define me in some ways. I'm not sure it's entirely peaceful to let go, even temporarily, of enjoyable activities, but it seems that it's required of me this summer. I've been luxuriating in reading more. Reading is a passion that I cannot let go. Reading invigorates me in ways I can't always fathom. I know that I sound vague and distant and entirely too serious, but that's actually because I can't seem to write eloquently about the small things that are stirring my soul this summer.

Despite being very busy this summer, we've slowed down enormously. My days are stretching longer and not just because there is more daylight, but even as I resist a somewhat monotonous day, I know that we need them to recharge. Honestly, this summer feels like I'm getting the rest I need. I can feel myself embracing this rest because I know that come mid-August, I'm going to have be renewed ready or not. My friend Elizabeth has been writing about  renewal on her blog this year and I've learned that I need to devote some time to self-care. I've neglected my health in so many ways depleting myself into oblivion.

  I can I feel a sea change coming. Actually, I've noticed that change is what's in store for me in so many ways- kids, friendships, etc. It's not a bad thing, but change nonetheless. I know that I've resisted this unknown change for a long time, but why? I've been holding onto an old paradigm that hasn't been working for a long time. I've been clinging to things in my life that have depleted and zapped the energy I need for my kids. On the horizon of renewal, I am thinking deeply about making some permanent changes in self-care. I'm not gentle with myself. I demand a lot of myself. I'm harsh on myself. I've longed blamed my crazy life with five children for my exhaustion, but I only recently learned that I've sabotaged myself just as much. As much as I crave and embrace simplicity, I don't always live it.

I may not be out on the beach reading a novel under an umbrella this summer, but I am reveling in the joy that simplicity brings in these brief slower days.

Today, I intend to make Fudge popsicles with Sam. Today, I intend to read late into the night. Today, I intend to enjoy the pockets of silence in my very noisy home. Today, I'm going to be gentle and kind.

A Sense of an Ending

Last Friday night, My husband and I were at a Rockies baseball game. We were there celebrating a birthday  of a friend. Luke was our babysitter. We hadn't been at the game very long when I get a call from Luke. I started to panic. What happened? Did one of the kids knock out a tooth? Did someone fall? Is there blood? Yes. I go there very quickly. Well, none of those things happened. Simply, the twins escaped the cribs. They finally figured out how to get out. I knew this day was coming as they've stayed in their cribs longer than most babies do, but I'd been praying that they stay put even if only for a few more months. When they're in their cribs in their shared bedroom, I can breathe a sigh of relief that they are safe. Unlike my other kids, the twins, little tornadoes, get into everything. Anyway, I knew in that moment, that I could no longer contain them. The very next day, Paul took down the cribs and we moved them to toddler beds. Now, it's a whole new routine. They won't stay in bed. They now know that they are free!  Up until now, They've been excellent sleepers. We're all in transition again...

I wish this was the only transition I'm facing. Recently, Paul and I decided that it's time to send Luke to school. After nine years of homeschooling, we made the difficult decision to enroll Luke in high school come mid-August. It's truly heartbreaking for me as I'd hoped we be able to continue on, but the sad truth is that he's the oldest of our five children by five years. He lives in a house with much younger siblings. I can't stand that he doesn't have a study buddy at home. It just didn't work out that way. The other thing is I liked high school. No. I really loved high school. Part of me doesn't want him to miss out on some of the good rituals of  high school.  I tell Luke that you will get only what you invest into it. I think that he might benefit immensely from the high school experience. On one hand, I'm devastated because letting him go to school also sounds like I was a failure at educating my own child and I know that isn't true. He's smart and well-read and he's thrived at home. But, on the other hand, there's something to be said about acknowledging that it's time for both of us to move on to the next adventure.

 Life with twins has been somewhat chaotic and I hate that I sound so pessimistic about it. The other day I was reading Arwen's blog about  how her identical twins are almost two. So many of the sentiments she shares, I'm feeling right along with her. She wrote, " I am not Mom Enough for two babies. I'm barely Mom Enough for one at a time. It's the truth."  Wow!  That's how I feel every day. She sounds overwhelmed, but there's this hope in her words. 

 I believe my entire family is suffering from our inability to find a good rhythm over the past two years. So, a sense of an ending is where I find myself.

This is total and complete burnout. Lately, when Paul and I talk, it's about how we can't seem to get back on track. I recently read Rebekah Lyons' new book, Freefall to Fly and it's largely about how once she stopped trying to avoid the discomfort, the pain, and the frustrations of life, she found renewal. She leaned in to the hard stuff. I suppose it's time to lean into the chaos, accept the changes, and find a way to set a new course. Is there renewal on the horizon? I hope so.

Yes, it's hard, but in tiniest corners of my mind, I find myself standing on a precipice for the next adventure, hopeful. I will still have three small children at home this fall. I will miss Luke fiercely and I hope we will still get to talk about books together. This chapter may be ending, but let me turn the page and find out what's to come. I bet it's good.

Gloomy Skies

I woke up this morning to an overcast sky.  Last night, I heard the first thunder of the season and then the rain began to fall gently.  Apparently, it rained all night, but I really couldn't hear it. For whatever reason the way the rain hits my roof, it's almost silent which saddens me because I love the drumming sound of rain  falling on my house, but oh well. This morning, dark, gray and wet was lovely. The rain soon turned to snow and then stopped altogether when the sun made its entrance and completely transformed the morning. 

As much as I love the rain, I have to admit that the gloomy overcast sky matched my mood this week.  I realize that I've neglected my blog this week. I've wanted to write, but couldn't quite write what I wanted to say.  A few times I've opened my computer ready to post only to click away.  I've been sick for a week now and have lacked the energy and brain power to think very clearly. Last week, I awoke with a swollen eye and instantly knew it was Pink Eye (although I tried to convince myself otherwise), but I thought that I could manage it with some home remedies. It quickly spread to my other eye and I knew that I'd have to go to the doctor after waking one morning unable to open either eye.  At that time, I started to get the sniffles and a mild sore throat. Thinking I was in for a manageable although inconvenient Spring cold, I didn't think much of it, but soon, all I wanted to do was nap.  I was wiped out and I developed a cough that kept me sleeping fitfully at best.  I haven't done any knitting in more than a week!  Now, that's  seriously ill!  I had too much to do, but I let it all go.  Deep down, I also knew that on top of my physical ailments, I was burned out...again.

 I realize I'm ready to wrap up our school year, but we still have a few weeks left.  I'm trying not be too hard on myself about this year where I relied heavily on workbooks and less on the creative pursuits that make homeschooling special.  We've listened to a lot of great books together. We've discussed those books.  We talk about books all the time, but this year has lacked that spark (at least in my mind).  How to get back that enthusiasm?  I'm sure it will come with a little break.  I know inspiration will come again after I get through this short season of gloominess.

The Glory of Fall

This is how Tess celebrated 10 months! Here she is on the California Zephyr train that we took from Denver to California. She's obviously enjoying the view outside our little sleeper car. Of course, there wasn't much sleeping in the sleeper car.

She loves traveling by train!

I know these are a collection of random photos, but I've been meaning to post our miniscule garden harvest. Here are the carrots we harvested the day it snowed in September. Don't these carrots have beautiful colors? These carrots are only about 2 inches long--definitely one bite snacks! Next year, we'll be able to plant much earlier and hopefully, we'll grow much larger carrots and well, other stuff.

I've been knitting nothing but pumpkin hats lately. I'm starting my 4th pumpkin hat for my niece, but here's Sammy wearing his pumpkin hat today. I'm so excited that he likes it. I'm anxious to get back to other knitting projects, but right now, I'm knitting a pumpkin patch.

Sammy started a kid's cooking class today and here he is all ready to go with his apron and of course, the pumpkin hat (in lieu of a chef's hat). He made salsa today, but he didn't taste it.

The two little chefs- next week? Pizza!

On the drive home today, I stopped right in front of myhouse to take a photo. It snowed very lightly today and seriously, all this early snow is ruining my Autumn! Fall is my favorite part of the year and October is my favorite month of the year, but the snow? Not so much. I'm not ready for snow yet. I want to enjoy the crisp weather and the aspen and maple leaves and the occasional Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks and I am, but the snow and wind must stop! I don't want the leaves to fall so quickly! Here are my golden aspens.

That's my home all snuggled in with those Evergreens and Aspens!

Anyway, I had a really good trip to California with Tessie and I enjoyed the experience of riding the train, but I was very happy to fly back instead of riding the rails. It's good to be home with the rest of my family. I can tell that Sammy really missed me. A few weeks ago, I talked about feeling burned out. I had a crummy September and my vision for the school year was blurry, but I'm trying to relax and to let learning be more organic and fluid. That has calmed me down a bit. I constantly remind myself that less is more whenever I want to add one more thing. I'm beginning to find our daily rhythm and I'm spending more time in the learning room with both the boys. Paul recently found another desk so that Sammy has a place for his activities too. I know that I'm recovering slowly. I'm optimistic about our work schedule now. I've added nature journaling to our days and somehow, this small task makes me happy again about schooling at home. I look forward to cozy cold days inside reading with the boys...always reading...always learning.

Needed: Serenity in September

Wow! a post without pictures! Well, we started school last week and we had a pretty good first day, but it seems that things fell apart by day two. To be honest, I had plans brewing in my mind all Summer for this school year, but they just didn't translate to a well-planned Fall term. My ideas were nebulous and unfocused at best and well, it's my fault. This isn't usually like me. I'm usually pretty excited for Fall and usually, Fall is our best term since Autumn is my favorite season of the year.

I'll admit it. I'm feeling very overwhelmed right now. Sammy has been transitioning out of naps for the last six months or so and the baby isn't really sleeping well either. Now, I have a 5th grader and a pre-schooler and they've been clashing. I'm not very optimistic right now. Until a few days ago, I didn't know that I was experiencing burnout. It took me reading this and this to understand what I was feeling. I think that it is strange that I couldn't identify it myself. I mean, Burnout? It's September for crying out loud! Shouldn't this come in May or June as I'm about to wrap up a school year?? I've realized that Summer isn't three easy breezy months anymore. It's swim lessons, camping and reading programs and staying up later. It's more flexible and definitely fun, but we're still just as busy as any other part of the year. Needless to say, I didn't begin this year feeling refreshed and ready to go. At this point, I'm trying just to be comfortable with our choice of schooling especially as my son gets older. I've never second guessed myself before and frankly, this shocks me. I never thought I'd feel this way--running on empty.


I've allowed my life to get to full. I am just one of those people that wants to do and experience everything. I am an eager learner and I want to discover everything. There are just too many exciting things to learn. In a nutshell, I just want to pass on to my children the love learning and in so doing, I've lost my way a little. Ironic, isn't it? There's always this little echo in the back of my mind to keep it simple, but what is simple, really?? I think I used to know, but somehow simple seems like something that is far far away. I just looked over my never-ending to-do list and I have to make some cuts. It just has to be done. I realized I'm trying to make up for all those years I didn't know how to knit into one year. I have five knitting projects in the works. Knitting has become such a joy to me, but I take on too many projects at the same time. I won't sign into Ravelry until these projects are finished. How 'bout that? There are way too many books on the nightstand. I've started two different reading challenges this year and well, I can't say that I won't sign into my Goodreads page, but you see a pattern here? I think that I'm going to cut this reading challenge. It's not essential. I read plenty-- probably too much. I need a no-reading challenge! Oh, how sad that sounds! It's something I wanted to do, but if I cut out something I wanted to do for the sake of my family, then it's the right thing to do.

It's no wonder that my mind isn't clear and I'm so unfocused. I hate having to make cuts because it makes me feel that I have somehow failed by not accomplishing all that I set out to do. Just because I want to do something doesn't mean that I should, right? There are things that absolutely need to be done like getting the baby on decent nap schedule and transitioning Sam from naps to scheduled quiet time. I need to plan the Autumn menu. It will be a two-week repeating menu until the new year. I don't want to think about what's for dinner anymore. These are, without a doubt, essential to having our days move along in a peaceful fashion.

The root cause?? I've let a lot of my prayer time go replacing it with more unfinished projects which just increases my stress. This burnout is real and tangible and affecting everything in my life right now. How to get back on track without blowing off my entire Fall? How do I get my confidence back about my little home school?

I'll be taking a little blog break for a couple of weeks, but I hope to post something to lighten the mood around here soon.