What I'm Into (June 2014 Edition)

It's July 1 already! I definitely get all glass-half-empty about my Summer slipping away. I feel like I've only just settled into Summer and here we are in July already. We've relaxed our schedule considerably. I can tell that the kids are just relaxing into Summer as well. The first week or so, I could tell that they were having a hard time shaking off their school schedules. So, what have I been up to? Honestly, I've been doing a lot of the same things I always do! I've got my usual stack of books on my nightstand. This week, however is different. Both my husband and my oldest son Luke are in Arizona doing Missions work on a reservation. So, I'm on my own with my youngest four and I'm exhausted.

This is the week that we move the kids' rooms again. I've mentioned in several posts that my bedroom arrangement for the kids just didn't work. I couldn't bear shuffling the kids around during the school year despite how awful it was. So, this week, my mom helped me paint and move furniture all over the house. It's now official! The twins have been separated. Tess and James are now roomies and Sam and Liam are roomies. What was I thinking having 4 kids in one bedroom? I've moved Luke to the basement and he's the only one with his own bedroom.

Tess and James's new room. It has a fresh coat of paint. It's Benjamin Moore's Breath of Fresh Air, 2014 Color of the year (just in case you're interested!)

I've been thinking about this post from Modern Mrs Darcy for a while. It was just the post I needed to kick my butt into gear about getting serious about decorating my house and making it home. I've lived in my mountain home since the end of 2005 and even though we've put in some substantial work into this house, it's taken me forever to make the simplest of decorating decisions. Perfectionism is just fear. Perfectionism is just procrastination. Okay, I did have three more children once I moved into my house and of course, I just didn't make the house my priority although it bugged me every. single. day.

Today, I hung a picture on the wall. I know. That doesn't sound huge at all, but if you knew me, you'd know that I agonize over every decorating detail and I second guess my own taste. Today (okay, technically July and not June) I made a quick decision and I decided to just go with it. I put something on the wall and guess what? It's making me happy.

It's from Ikea.

In June, I've tried something new. I wanted to get more exercise and my good friend invited me to join her Zumba class. I learned that Zumba is crazy hard. Most of the ladies I've talked with in the class have told me that it took them about a year to really get it. Yikes! After a month of classes, I'm totally frustrated and yet, I totally refuse to give up! I think this could be fun. I don't think it's fun yet, but it could be and I will get this.

I stand in the back and I refuse to even look at myself in the mirror. I'm pretty sure that I'd be horrified of what I saw, but whatever! I'll keep dancing even if I look like Napoleon Dynamite!

I've got skills!

Reading: I'm still reading This is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper.  I totally dropped The Best of Me by Nicholas Sparks. It's just dull even for Sparks. I'm reading another YA novel (I'm always reading something YA), The List by Siobhan Vivian. It's not dystopian, but it's still set in the harsh landscape of high school. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I'm having trouble keeping up with the large cast of characters. The List chronicles how eight girls react to being chosen either the prettiest or ugliest in each class. I can tell you that it isn't going to be pretty.

I downloaded the Hoopla app this week. Hoopla partners with your local library to offer movies, music, and audio books. Overdrive makes me crazy. So, It thought I'd try this app and I immediately found a book that sounded interesting. Just yesterday, I listened to nearly three hours of Up at Butternut Lake while working around the house. I didn't even realize that I was working so hard because I was enjoying this book.

I'm not really watching anything right now. I haven't really settled into any shows right now. I'd rather read at night. I did go see The Fault in Our Stars and it was really a great adaptation of the novel.

James on a Summer day

That's it for now. We'll see where July takes me. For now, I'm linking up with Leigh Kramer.

More thoughts on an empty gas tank

Spring comes in fits and starts here in Colorado, if it really comes at all. It's April 30th an I woke up to a gray sky and snow this morning. I don't know why I'm surprised at all. Well, actually, I know why. Easter was beautiful this year. It was a real Spring day. Most years, Easter is cold, colorless, and often snowing. The trees are vibrant with pale pink blossoms, but the weather if fickle and today, it's Winter-ish and moody. This kind of weather makes me want to ponder burnout a little more. Bear with me.

Anyway, since I posted about Running on Empty and burnout, I've thought more about it this mothering season. There's just one piece that I failed to consider well. Even if I am proactive and do all the things I can to relieve the pressure, it's still going to be hard. I don't think in three years of having my twins I actually believed that. I really thought that if I just got on top of everything, if I just made sure there was quiet time for me, and if I just planned and structured my days really well, everything would be awesome. I didn't want to come to the conclusion that I could do all of those things and maybe, even well, and still discover that mothering twins would still be challenging, overwhelming, and hard. I can't believe it has taken me this long to get to this kind of understanding and it stinks. I know. It does sound so futile and doomed (oh, the drama), but I guess there's a little freedom in knowing that no matter what changes I make, I can make it a little easier, but it will still be soooo hard. I suppose I really thought that I could somehow bypass the reality.

 It is what it is. This too shall pass. Those are things my husband always says to me and even though these sentiments irritate me, there's both truth in accepting reality and truth in knowing that it will pass.

Ok, that's it. I'm officially on burnout hiatus. Come on, Spring!

Twin Tuesday

Liam and James

I've wanted to add more pictures of the twins here on my blog and Tuesdays seem like a good day for this. They boys are growing and changing so quickly that I need to capture them a little better. I don't think that I will always photograph them together. Sometimes, even I forget that they're not a set, but unique individuals who happen to look alike. Here they are on Christmas Day looking like the identical twins that they are.

The Great Room Shuffle Debate

I've planned a super big, possibly overwhelming, and challenging summer undertaking despite my need for hiatus and renewal, but I think that this change might actually facilitate some good transitions for us all.

Here's the thing: I have 5 kids, 3 bedrooms (on 3 different floors) for said 5 kids, and out of those 5 only 1 girl!! I've been thinking that it's time for a room shuffle for a long time. When the twins first arrived, I knew that I would be losing my guest/sewing room. After the twins moved from their co-sleeper in my room to the guest room in the basement, I just let things be. They slept magnificently in their basement room until recently when they decided to climb out of their cribs. Despite frequent after-midnight trips to the basement bedroom (two flights of stairs), Paul and I continued to let things be. We didn't want to disrupt Luke and Sam and their shared bedroom right across the hall from us. They've shared a bedroom since we moved into this house in 2006 and I just didn't want to break that up until now.

After removing everything (and I mean everything) from the twins' basement room for safety, I realized that their room was going to waste. We recently removed the toddler beds because they kept taking the mattresses off and moving the bed frames around the room. Yup. They do things that my other kids would never dreamed of doing.

As Luke gets older, I decided it might be time for him to have his own room in the basement although my heart breaks a little about it since I think this will impact Sam deeply. I suggested to Paul that we move Luke to the basement, move the twins to Tess's room on the main floor, and move Tess upstairs into Luke's old spot. Tess would now become Sam's roommate. It's a massive change. (Didn't I say change was coming?) I'm still not satisfied with this plan either. Sam said he'd rather have the twins in his room than his sister. I kind of agree with this sentiment. (Currently, Sam and Luke have the biggest room.) It can easily fit 3 kids, but frankly, I don't trust the twins and their crazy whims. I can't remove everything from Sam's room to ensure their safety either. Honestly, I don't think that I will be able to make these changes and have them be optimal. I'm just trying to work with my parameters. I realized that Sam and the twins are the same age spread as Sam and Luke. Luke is five years older than Sam and there's been some growing pains among those two for some time now. I guess it'll never be perfect, but as I feel that change is in order, I'll proceed with the plan.

This plan involves a lot of painting,  packing, and moving furniture. It won't be easy, but it's time for some transition in this house. It just might be the thing to kick start some renewal for everyone in this house.

Suggestions and ideas are welcome.

Portraits of the twins

James

Liam

My friend Leah, aspiring photographer, recently accepted the challenge of  photographing the twins. They posed quite the challenge while not posing for her at all. Yet, she captured them in all their cuteness. Thanks, Leah!

Twins in a Canoe

James and Liam in a canoe

A Sense of an Ending

Last Friday night, My husband and I were at a Rockies baseball game. We were there celebrating a birthday  of a friend. Luke was our babysitter. We hadn't been at the game very long when I get a call from Luke. I started to panic. What happened? Did one of the kids knock out a tooth? Did someone fall? Is there blood? Yes. I go there very quickly. Well, none of those things happened. Simply, the twins escaped the cribs. They finally figured out how to get out. I knew this day was coming as they've stayed in their cribs longer than most babies do, but I'd been praying that they stay put even if only for a few more months. When they're in their cribs in their shared bedroom, I can breathe a sigh of relief that they are safe. Unlike my other kids, the twins, little tornadoes, get into everything. Anyway, I knew in that moment, that I could no longer contain them. The very next day, Paul took down the cribs and we moved them to toddler beds. Now, it's a whole new routine. They won't stay in bed. They now know that they are free!  Up until now, They've been excellent sleepers. We're all in transition again...

I wish this was the only transition I'm facing. Recently, Paul and I decided that it's time to send Luke to school. After nine years of homeschooling, we made the difficult decision to enroll Luke in high school come mid-August. It's truly heartbreaking for me as I'd hoped we be able to continue on, but the sad truth is that he's the oldest of our five children by five years. He lives in a house with much younger siblings. I can't stand that he doesn't have a study buddy at home. It just didn't work out that way. The other thing is I liked high school. No. I really loved high school. Part of me doesn't want him to miss out on some of the good rituals of  high school.  I tell Luke that you will get only what you invest into it. I think that he might benefit immensely from the high school experience. On one hand, I'm devastated because letting him go to school also sounds like I was a failure at educating my own child and I know that isn't true. He's smart and well-read and he's thrived at home. But, on the other hand, there's something to be said about acknowledging that it's time for both of us to move on to the next adventure.

 Life with twins has been somewhat chaotic and I hate that I sound so pessimistic about it. The other day I was reading Arwen's blog about  how her identical twins are almost two. So many of the sentiments she shares, I'm feeling right along with her. She wrote, " I am not Mom Enough for two babies. I'm barely Mom Enough for one at a time. It's the truth."  Wow!  That's how I feel every day. She sounds overwhelmed, but there's this hope in her words. 

 I believe my entire family is suffering from our inability to find a good rhythm over the past two years. So, a sense of an ending is where I find myself.

This is total and complete burnout. Lately, when Paul and I talk, it's about how we can't seem to get back on track. I recently read Rebekah Lyons' new book, Freefall to Fly and it's largely about how once she stopped trying to avoid the discomfort, the pain, and the frustrations of life, she found renewal. She leaned in to the hard stuff. I suppose it's time to lean into the chaos, accept the changes, and find a way to set a new course. Is there renewal on the horizon? I hope so.

Yes, it's hard, but in tiniest corners of my mind, I find myself standing on a precipice for the next adventure, hopeful. I will still have three small children at home this fall. I will miss Luke fiercely and I hope we will still get to talk about books together. This chapter may be ending, but let me turn the page and find out what's to come. I bet it's good.

Off My Game

I'm off my game. It's no secret that since the twins arrived, I've been way off my game. I can't just blame the twins. Life got bigger and fuller and busier and well, just more. My husband constantly tells me that "this too shall pass". I get a little sad because I don't want it all to pass too quickly. I don't want to wake up and realize that I missed it all hoping it would pass. It's the 5th of December and I haven't done much in the way of getting ready for Advent or Christmas. I'm going to sound like a total Grinch here, but getting all the decorations out feels like just one more thing I have to do. Of course, I don't want to Christmas to feel like a burden, but, right now, it does. 

The other night, I started reading our Christmas books to Tess and Sammy. This ritual is one of my favorite activities of the season. Sammy flipped out because I asked him to read one of the board books to Tess. He just didn't want to and well, it disrupted our book time. In my mind, reading to my children is one of the things that makes for an idyllic childhood. On the very first night we started reading, my ideal scene turned into a classic meltdown. I was more than disappointed. I felt like Advent was already a loss. Yes, you can say it. I'm very all or nothing. I tried to let go of the awful  frustration do something I struggle with. I hoped that our next reading time would be better. I tried not to dwell on the bad.

I've ranted a lot (on Facebook) about my absolute dislike of the 24/7 Christmas music radio stations beginning in early November. Somehow, the Christmas music seems less magical when it gets nearly two full months of constant air play and don't get me started about how depressing some Christmas music is. Yes, Christmas comes earlier and earlier every year.

Life move pretty fast. If you don't stop and take a look around, you could miss it. Ferris Bueller said that. There's wisdom to be found in Ferris Bueller.I expect that Advent will move quickly, but slow down? Seems impossible.

  I think about that quote a lot. So, maybe finding a way to experience deep joy even in the midst of chaos is the path to choose rather than constantly telling myself that this too shall pass.

We celebrate St. Nicholas day in my house and typically, I get each of the kids a new ornament and some chocolate coins. This year, I wanted to knit ornaments, but I didn't. It's not like I haven't been knitting because I have been knitting in every spare second of my days. I just didn't get to the ornaments. I still might try and knit them, but instead I ordered each child a Christmas/Advent/Winter themed book to add to our holiday collection. I discovered that it's really difficult to find the perfect holiday book for a 13 year-old.  I ordered The Best Christmas Pageant Ever for Luke. I remember reading it when I was about his age and enjoying it. It wasn't my first choice. I think I will dig out our copy of Letters From Father Christmas by JRR Tolkien for him as well. 

Before I started writing this post, I knew that it was going to be kind of a downer. It turns out that I'm not alone.  Christmas can be overwhelming and yet, we're supposed to be joyfully and peacefully awaiting the baby in the manger. My good friend Elizabeth has been posting all kinds of good stuff about Advent and Christmas. She's been my inspiration for years and this year, I honed in on something about gift-giving in her recent post.

Gift-giving is a whole other source of stress. I love choosing just the right gift. I spend a lot of time searching for the best gift. I love buying supplies to make just the right gift. Any excuse to buy yarn or fabric, right? I used to go with the three gift rule for each child. Since the Wise Men brought Jesus three gifts, I thought three gifts per kid seemed reasonable. I think many people use this rule of thumb for selecting gifts for their children. I usually give something that they need, something to read, and something that they want. Five children multiplied by three equals brain overload. I can't do it anymore. Our house is small and the things that go here have to be meaningful. Elizabeth mentioned selecting one gift that really speaks to the child. What a burden lifted! Even with three gifts per child, Christmas started to feel like it's all about the gifts. Gifts are great and gifts are fun and gifts can be magical, but gifts aren't everything. 

So, I'm changing some things this year and I hope that these small changes give me some peace and hopefully, the less-is-more approach will make for a more restful, peaceful, and happy Christmas. Hopefully.

I know that this rant isn't organized and well-crafted. I just let the words come and I didn't try to fix them much. 

By the way, here are the books that ordered for the kids. Board books for the twins. Fancy Nancy for Tess.    

Lighthouse Christmas for Sam. I am enchanted with lighthouses and I hope he will like it as much as I think I will. 

The October that was

My little corner of cyberspace has been so neglected of late. Honestly, I just haven't felt like blogging recently. Since I returned from my trip to the UK and Iceland, we were without a computer. After the demise of our last laptop, we bought a new one only to have it quit on us after five days! We sent it back and for whatever reason, they could not send a replacement within a month. The shipment kept getting delayed and we decided to cancel the order. So, I started taking lots of pictures on Instagram and posting them to Facebook while we were without a computer. I have to admit that Instagram is just so easy and quick. I suppose that some of my enthusiasm for blogging has transferred over there. Anyhow, I'm back and I apologize if you've seen some of these pictures already either on Facebook or Instagram.

Here I am on the first of November lamenting the end of my favorite month of the year. I love October as it's truly the best time of the year for me. The oranges, browns, yellows, greens, and earthy hues fill my senses and make me long for warm hand knit items and pumpkin spice lattes. It's cozy and well, it's over for this year. The trees are now looking almost barren, but there are some that still have leaves, but they are past their prime. It doesn't matter. I still love that deep complex brownish-orange. I soak up all of Autumn until that last leaf drops.

Here's what made our October. Our little twins, Liam and James turned 2. I actually cannot believe that they are 2 already. Our little chunky monkeys are 2! I'm so happy that they decided to be born in my favorite month. October got even better with their arrival. This year, I wanted to celebrate in a low-key fashion and head out to one of our favorite pumpkin patches in Boulder, but it was a very rainy day. We went to the pumpkin patch anyway and only Sammy and I got out of the car. We raced in and bought three pumpkin pie pumpkins for the twins and Tesss and then, since we trekked all the way to Boulder, I dragged everyone to a yarn shop. Liam ended up getting sick in the car and well, it wasn't the birthday I had envisioned for the twins. I baked them a little pumpkin bundt. There's a picture in my collection of October photos above. I think it goes without saying that I love Autumn baking (all those spices!) as well.

I did my fair share of knitting too. I started a sweater for myself! It's miles of stockinette and I've already started to doubt that this sweater will look like anything other than a hand knit sweatshirt. There's a reason I don't knit for myself. There's a picture of the sweater in the photos above as well. It's the red, pink, and black-striped yarn. What was I thinking with horizontal stripes? Of course, I've set it aside for other projects like a blue dress I'm knitting for a certain little girl I know (not Tess).

Luke and I are tackling a lot of school work  right now. He's doing a fair share of his work independently these days, but I still ask him to cook with me or write with me. We're planning to read Winter World: The Ingenuity of Animal Survival together for some science reading beginning tomorrow. It's not the kind of book that I would normally read aloud. We're each going to read a chapter every couple of days and then discuss it. He's plenty busy reading, making stop-motion films with his Legos, taking care of his five chickens, learning high school Latin, writing a novel, and finishing up Algebra I. He would have been done with Algebra in early summer, but that's when we started to have some computer issues and the computer lost all of his work. I made him do it all over again, but Algebra has become something that he loves. He keeps a nature journal. He grumbles about French, but I'll get him back on track there. We're diagramming sentences and we talk the importance of good grammar every day. As the weather has become more chilly and the twins are napping, we watch The Story of Us and talk about the history of the United States. I love the home educating life and I'm passionate about lifelong learning. It's the biggest lesson that I try to instill in my children. I want them to want to learn all the time. I want them to be curious. I got off on a home educating tangent, but all these things are/were part of our October learning. For some reason, I'm always more optimistic and idealistic about our learning plans in October. Right now, as I blog, Luke is in the room with me. He's working on his novel. I'm sure it will be in the science fiction/fantasy genre. It's quiet right now and we have this time together. I'm cherishing this moment. Right now.

As I move into November and the Advent Season, I hope for more moments to cherish.

18 Months!

Liam and James

My little guys are a year and a half today. James officially started walking on February 20th (and I wasn't there to see it) and Liam is still crawling. Developmentally, Liam usually follows James by about two weeks. So naturally, I expected to see Liam walking two weeks after James. He didn't. The other day Liam stood, balanced himself, and took seven tentative steps. He's so close, but yet, I savor these crawling days because I know  they're numbered. I'm also realist. I know what will happen when both boys are walking. They'll be heading in different directions all the time and there's only one me! It's not going to get easier with them being so mobile.

Today, I dressed the boys alike because I knew I wanted to photograph them at 18 months. Several times today I actually got them mixed up (something rare), but then James would walk and I'd know. Our time with the twins has gone so quickly. I'm not sure how that happened because this whole twin adventure hasn't been easy. It still isn't easy. I struggle every day hoping that I can meet all of my children's needs and I feel like a failure every day.  As a family, We've definitely experienced some growing pains, but I know that life is much richer with these beautiful little boys in our lives.

Look at that double sweetness! It's hard to resist!

A new hope

The twins discovered the lightsabers.