More thoughts on an empty gas tank

Spring comes in fits and starts here in Colorado, if it really comes at all. It's April 30th an I woke up to a gray sky and snow this morning. I don't know why I'm surprised at all. Well, actually, I know why. Easter was beautiful this year. It was a real Spring day. Most years, Easter is cold, colorless, and often snowing. The trees are vibrant with pale pink blossoms, but the weather if fickle and today, it's Winter-ish and moody. This kind of weather makes me want to ponder burnout a little more. Bear with me.

Anyway, since I posted about Running on Empty and burnout, I've thought more about it this mothering season. There's just one piece that I failed to consider well. Even if I am proactive and do all the things I can to relieve the pressure, it's still going to be hard. I don't think in three years of having my twins I actually believed that. I really thought that if I just got on top of everything, if I just made sure there was quiet time for me, and if I just planned and structured my days really well, everything would be awesome. I didn't want to come to the conclusion that I could do all of those things and maybe, even well, and still discover that mothering twins would still be challenging, overwhelming, and hard. I can't believe it has taken me this long to get to this kind of understanding and it stinks. I know. It does sound so futile and doomed (oh, the drama), but I guess there's a little freedom in knowing that no matter what changes I make, I can make it a little easier, but it will still be soooo hard. I suppose I really thought that I could somehow bypass the reality.

 It is what it is. This too shall pass. Those are things my husband always says to me and even though these sentiments irritate me, there's both truth in accepting reality and truth in knowing that it will pass.

Ok, that's it. I'm officially on burnout hiatus. Come on, Spring!

What I'm Into (April 2014 Edition)

I thought I'd start off with a picture of Spring in Colorado. As I write, it is April 30th and it's snowing.

I really enjoy reading about what Modern Mrs Darcy is into at the end of each month. I don't know why it's taken until April this year to compile my own list, but now I'm excited to do so. I think it's really interesting how each month carries it's own interests and fleeting fancies. Each new month may propel us into new growth and it's worth looking at what captures our attention monthly.

Books
Since I mostly talk about books these days, I'll start with what I'm reading:

World War II is just endlessly fascinating. There are so many facets, details, and vantage points that enlarge the whole World War II experience. This novel is written in first person plural and I can't decide how I feel about it. In some sense, it does give the reader some distance on what was happening in secrecy in New Mexico, but the first person plural makes for a strange and sometimes difficult narrative.

Year of No Sugar is one of those I-did-something-super-duper-hard-for-a-whole-year-and-I'm-going-to-write-about-it memoirs. Let's face it. Sugar is ubiquitous and it's definitely wreaking havoc on society. Type II Diabetes levels are epidemic, but I'm really uncomfortable with ultra-restrictive diets. I'm only half-way through this one and I know I will have way more, probably complicated, thoughts on this when I'm done.

I also just finished reading The Giver. For decades, I deliberately skipped this Newberry winner because I just didn't like the cover. I don't think I even read the back cover to get a sense of the story. I simply dismissed it. What a mistake! I'm really looking forward to the film adaptation, with Meryl Streep, this Summer.

I'm not sure how I feel about this movie logo. I think it gives the sense that it is more sci-fi than it really is.

Watching
Don't judge. I'm watching Dancing With the Stars. Good grief, It's totally cheesy and a certain ice dancer (Meryl Davis) might have some unfair advantage, but it's really a lot of fun and some levity is in order. I'm really enjoying watching Paralympic snowboarder, Amy Purdy and her dance partner, Derek Hough. She's amazing. I mean,  I can barely walk in heels, but she makes dancing with prosthetic legs look almost effortless.

American Idol is coming into the home stretch and yes, I'm still watching because Harry Connick, Jr is a judge. Is it crazy to say that I really only watch to hear what Harry has to say and I don't really care about the singing that much? Yes. It probably is.

Pondering

I discovered that you can Google why a little fat robin keeps smacking into your sliding glass window. This little guy has been driving me crazy for a few weeks with his suicidal behavior. It turns out that he's not suicidal, but very territorial. He sees his reflection in the window and he thinks it's another robin and well, that other robin in the window has to go. After all the years in my house, I've never noticed this behavior by robins. The window smacking is intense and my little robin has turned into an alarm clock.

Summer Project

Last summer, I had to tear down my garden (the Veggie Vault) to make room for the new deck. Gardening at this altitude (8600 feet) is difficult in the best of circumstances. Over several years, I had limited success with carrots, strawberries, kale, tomatoes, etc.(There are pictures of my former Veggie Vault here on my blog, if you're interested). The sad truth is that my little veggies just didn't get enough sun and I would have had to move the garden at some point even if we hadn't rebuilt the deck.

Honestly, I'm just not motivated to get the garden up and running again right now. So, instead of my wallowing in my gardening woes, I've found my new project. Of course, I'm going to need a lot of help from my husband, but I think I've inspired him too. I want to build my own Little Free Library.  It's just a little box, usually shaped like a house, but inside, oh inside, there are books. Neighbors can freely take a book or leave a book. I'm really excited about this an I've been pinning Little Free Libraries on Pinterest. I've printed out some plans, but honestly, I'm more excited about deciding which books I want to put in my little library.

Take a book. Leave a book.

Cooking

The day before Easter, I took a class on how to make French Macarons. They are pretty involved, but oh, they have such deliciously complicated textures and flavors. I made pistachio orange-ginger macarons and I assure you that all of those flavors are exquisite together. Now, these aren't really everyday cookies, but they are beautiful, lovely, delicate, feminine...The colors scream Spring.

Scrolling back through my posts for 2014
After scrolling back through my 2014 posts, I realized there were a few books that I mentioned in various book posts that got sidelined. I had to return Anything That Moves back to the library. Sam was not enchanted with Ella Enchanted. I never really got off the ground while reading The Goldfinch and I'm not sure why I just got side-tracked while reading The Night Circus. It's really good. I also temporarily put down Longbourn. 

I have accepted that I'm a binge-reader. I read a little of everything. I've accepted that I read crazily and greedily.

On the nightstand right now:

All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenting //Jennifer Senior
The Devil Wears Prada // Lauren Weisberger
Dear Mr. Knightley  //Katherine Reay
Reading in the Wild: The Book Whisperer's Keys to Cultivating Lifelong Reading Habits // Donalyn Miller
When Women Were Birds // Terry Tempest Williams

There's more to come on these books, I'm sure, well,  unless they get side-lined for something else or I have to return them to the library!

That's what I'm into in April.

Running on Empty (Again)

It's that time of year again. We're nearly at the finish line for another school year and I'm losing my will to care. What? You don't want to do your homework? Whatever. 

 I started thinking about Jen Hatmaker's hilarious worst-end-of-school-mom-ever post yesterday. I had to go back and read it, because, well, I'm there with her and I needed to laugh. If you haven't read it, it's worth it. It'll cheer you up as you start to lose steam at the end of the school year.

 It's not even the end of April yet and I'm looking ahead and thinking how I just have to get through May. I always hate the thinking that I have to just "get through" something. "Getting through" something isn't exactly good living, is it?

I'm burned out again. I know I write about this a lot, but being mama to five sure isn't easy. Over this school year, I've been implementing new things hoping some new strategy will leave me without constantly feeling like I'm going to lose it. Believe me, I've googled everything relating to stay-at-home-mom burn out and guess what? There's a whole lot of info about what burnout is, but not a lot of realistic ways to combat it. Or, if they're realistic ways to combat burnout, those methods aren't working for me.

I found this list today while googling around for more health information on how to turn this burnout ship around. This list confirmed I'm headed in the wrong direction. Oh, boy.

• Every day is a bad day. (Well, not every day.)
• Caring about your work or home life seems like a total waste of energy. (Yup.)
• You’re exhausted all the time. (Yup.)
• The majority of your day is spent on tasks you find either mind-numbingly dull or overwhelming. (Yup.)
• You feel like nothing you do makes a difference or is appreciated. (Yup.)

 Okay, not every day is a bad day, but every day feels unnecessarily stressful and difficult. Clearly, I need a mind shift. What if I'm approaching this phase in my life all wrong? All year long, I have been trying to come up with a solution that makes being home with my twin boys and five year-old daughter more manageable, more peaceful, more calm. I've not succeeded. I didn't use to feel this overwhelmed with parenting, but I've boiled it down to constant interruption. My interruptions have interruptions. This makes my day feel unstable from start to finish.

All along, I thought that I needed to carve out more quiet time, more me time. I thought that the quiet was the answer. In those small quiet pockets, I could get back to some of the activities that make me, well me. Sometimes, I've felt that I've gotten lost in the constant needs of small children and I have to  remind myself that this is the hardest work. Raising little people isn't for wimps. This is important work, but that doesn't mean that sometimes, it is just plain boring. Somewhere in all those interruptions and malaise, I lost sight of the importance of what I am doing. Just maybe, I'm thinking about this all wrong?

Yesterday, I stumbled onto this post by Amanda Low. In her article, her husband suggests that she take a day to herself. So, she did and guess what? It didn't feel right at all. Go read the post. It's worth it because even before I read her post myself, I was starting to come up with the same conclusion. One day, during this current school year, my mom offered to watch the three littles for me so I could go out and I guess do errands. As headed out, I thought that the last thing I needed to do was more work. So, I went to a movie. At first, I was all giddy with the possibilities of having about four hours to myself. I really wanted to use the time well, but, in the end, there were too many things I wanted to do and only about four hours of free time. I went to a movie in the middle of a day. At first, it sounded all daring and wild like I was getting away with something. A movie in the middle of the day!!! By myself!!? Wow. 

The thing is that little time away didn't really recharge me like I thought it would. Yeah, I didn't have to do all the routine things I normally do, but this didn't feel completely right to me either. I didn't feel guilty or anything like that, but the whole experience just left me wanting more and more time to myself. That isn't such a bad thing, but I realized that daily peace has to come in my daily schedule as well as when I get time to myself. I can't have this sense of peace only when I'm away fro the overwhelming demands of home because that makes me resentful. I know I need to schedule my alone time in my regular daily life. My introverted nature demands it, but this outing made me want more time away rather than figuring out how to get the respite I need within the context of a busy crazy life. In other words, I don't want to feel like I need to run away to get that quiet alone time.

So, here we are again. It's almost the end of the year. It's Spring. It's starting to get lovely outside. I'm starting not to care if Sam gets all of his homework done. I'm feeling the last bits of Winter recede and a new lightness emerging. I don't have the answer, but I think I've stumbled onto something and if I think it through, could it be a game-changer?

Easter is almost here!

                             Have a blessed Easter my Friends!

Gloomy Skies

I woke up this morning to an overcast sky.  Last night, I heard the first thunder of the season and then the rain began to fall gently.  Apparently, it rained all night, but I really couldn't hear it. For whatever reason the way the rain hits my roof, it's almost silent which saddens me because I love the drumming sound of rain  falling on my house, but oh well. This morning, dark, gray and wet was lovely. The rain soon turned to snow and then stopped altogether when the sun made its entrance and completely transformed the morning. 

As much as I love the rain, I have to admit that the gloomy overcast sky matched my mood this week.  I realize that I've neglected my blog this week. I've wanted to write, but couldn't quite write what I wanted to say.  A few times I've opened my computer ready to post only to click away.  I've been sick for a week now and have lacked the energy and brain power to think very clearly. Last week, I awoke with a swollen eye and instantly knew it was Pink Eye (although I tried to convince myself otherwise), but I thought that I could manage it with some home remedies. It quickly spread to my other eye and I knew that I'd have to go to the doctor after waking one morning unable to open either eye.  At that time, I started to get the sniffles and a mild sore throat. Thinking I was in for a manageable although inconvenient Spring cold, I didn't think much of it, but soon, all I wanted to do was nap.  I was wiped out and I developed a cough that kept me sleeping fitfully at best.  I haven't done any knitting in more than a week!  Now, that's  seriously ill!  I had too much to do, but I let it all go.  Deep down, I also knew that on top of my physical ailments, I was burned out...again.

 I realize I'm ready to wrap up our school year, but we still have a few weeks left.  I'm trying not be too hard on myself about this year where I relied heavily on workbooks and less on the creative pursuits that make homeschooling special.  We've listened to a lot of great books together. We've discussed those books.  We talk about books all the time, but this year has lacked that spark (at least in my mind).  How to get back that enthusiasm?  I'm sure it will come with a little break.  I know inspiration will come again after I get through this short season of gloominess.

Spring quiz

You Are Blooming Flowers

You are an optimistic person by nature. In even the darkest times, you are hopeful about the future. You feel truly blessed in life and can sometimes be overwhelmed with emotions. You have an artist's eye. You are always looking for beauty in the mundane. You have a good sense of aesthetics, especially when it comes to shapes and color.

What Part of Spring Are You?

h/t Dawn

Not much to say?

I realized that it's been almost a month since I last updated my blog. I guess I haven't had much to say lately, but that's not true. I think I've just been lazy. Right now, I'm at home in a blissfully quiet house and I have the rare luxury of being able to focus completely on what I'm doing. Paul took the boys junkin' this morning. Yes, junkin'. That's what my husband calls going to garage sales. He looks forward all year to Junkin' season. I'm not invited because they know that most likely I will say no to most purchases. That's okay. I have a few rules though. They aren't allowed to bring any cheap plastic toys that will assault my senses (unless of course it's a plastic dinosaur). Somehow, Luke manages to find dinosaurs at almost every garage sale and I can't deny him a whole planet of dinosaurs. Although I've seen his interest in dinosaurs wane over the last year or two, he still buys them when he goes junkin'. Right now, he's into dragons which to me, are just fire-breathing dinosaurs!

Anyway, I've enjoyed the warmer weather over the last week. Last weekend, we took the boys to Clement Park to enjoy the sunshine and we couldn't help soaking it up ourselves. Spring just unfolds too slowly here in Colorado. I've resisted the urge to post pictures of the crazy April snowstorms and to wait patiently for a lovely day. Anyway, while we were at Clement park, I realized that I hadn't seen the Columbine Memorial. So, from the playground we walked over to the Memorial. I just happened to be there a day before the 9th anniversary of the Columbine shootings. It was a surreal experience because I remembered I was pregnant with Luke in April of 1999. I remember sitting at my desk at work and a co-worker had walked in to let us know what was happening in Colorado. (I lived in California at the time.) For some reason, I didn't take it seriously. I had gone to public high school and not once did I ever feel unsafe while I was there. So, I guess the thought that flickered through me at the time was that it wasn't a serious thing. It wasn't until later that day that I would see the footage of that horrible day and realize how horribly wrong I was. I would go on to read Rachel's Tears about the spiritual journey of one of the victims, Rachel Joy Scott and learn of the faith of the other victims. Some of these kids had a maturity about their faith that I didn't realize possible for their age. I was awed.

My little boy Sam turns three tomorrow. I can't believe how quickly time goes. I notice every day how my darling eight year old looks less and less like a little boy each day. He'll be 9 in September and I know I'm going to sound a little "glass is half empty" but I can't help thinking that half of my time with him is already gone (although he does mention that he wants me to homeschool college). Anyway, I've been trying to learn to crochet and I'm finding it pretty difficult, but I'm the perservering kind and so far, I have a head and couple of legs for a crocheted octopus for Sam. I'll post a picture when I'm done with it. I'm going to have to get a move on crocheting 6 more legs before tomorrow.

Overall, it's been quiet around here, but now that the weather has taken a turn for the better, we are all catching a serious case of Spring Fever. I realize we're in the homestretch for third grade and how are we doing? Well, we're on track to finish math and we're deep into division right now. Luke has declared Latin his favorite subject and I couldn't be happier with all the English grammar infused in his Latin program. We continue to read and listen to books constantly. We started the year all excited for art and drawing, but haven't done as much art in the winter months and it's really my only lament. I'm starting to think about next year and what we want to accomplish and at the same time I'm looking forward to the serenity and sweetness of the summer months. I'm always thinking of the delightful things out there to discover.

Speaking of delightful things, we watched a cute movie last night called The Waterhorse based on the novel by Dick King-Smith (of Babe the Pig fame). There's beautiful scenery of Scotland and castle ruins to behold and legends of the Loch Ness Monster. Anyway, we all really enjoyed it and Luke asked for the book. This was a rare occasion where we did not read the book before seeing the movie. He told me last night that he doesn't like seeing the movie before reading the book because then he pictures things like the movie. I readily agreed with him and told him that the movie kind of robs you of imagining things the way you would on your own and how the movie does all the imagining for you.

Well, I suppose that's enough for now. I'm back!!!!!

Life's Little Joys: Friday Edition

Okay, I know I updated my blog in anticipation of Spring a little early. Oh, I know we're not out of the woods yet, but I can't help it! We had such a beautiful day today. It was absolutely gorgeous. Even though we're only half way through Lent, it feels like forever already and well today was a gift giving me the strength for the journey. It was a tiny glimpse of the good things to come. We didn't even need jackets today! I know there is much more snow in our future, but I got another tiny taste of Spring and I'm going to cherish the joy of sunshine! Father in Heaven we thank thee!

A Glimpse of Spring

Although we're expecting some snow this evening and it will return our landscape to it's Wintery white, I saw my first glimpse of Spring today. It's coming!! There was just something different about today, something hopeful and joyful. It's no wonder that Lent begins in Winter and ends in the Spring with Christ rising from the dead.

Anyway, we're enjoying our current read-aloud, Linnets and Valerians by Elizabeth Goudge. It's really too bad that most of her books are out of print. I've got a handful of her adult novels and I'm looking forward to savoring each one. Now, I'm enjoying the adventures of the Linnet children living with their Uncle Ambrose. Uncle Ambrose professes to dislike children, but we know that the opposite is true. As a home educator, I'm intrigued by Uncle Ambrose's declaration that the children must be educated! There's a beautiful narrative of their first day as Uncle Ambrose proclaims that, "Education is a mosaic of beauty." I haven't stopped thinking about that phrase. I like it!